I With A Reputation For Follow-up Suicide
by MadamMandarinPear
Summary: It's not exactly a secret that Ichimatsu has always been a victim to suicidal tendencies. There has been countless attempts, though he'd never been able to go the whole way before giving up. Little does he know that his family are dealing with their own issues too. The thought of suicide had always lingered in his mind. He never expected his brothers would beat him to it.
1. Sweet Pink Overdose

**Trigger warning for suicide and self harm. Don't read if you can't handle it...**

* * *

Standing on a structure built high into the air, Ichimatsu stared longingly at the hard cement lying storeys below that just looked so inviting. He wanted to jump. He wanted to jump so badly. To just take a few steps and let everything be over. So he'd no longer have to put up with these shit feelings and no longer be a burden on his brothers.

It's far from the first time he's climbed up here, but every time he convinced himself this time he'd be able to do it, fear took over and forced his scattered mind to retreat. Again, it seems he'll be unable to take the steps forward. Ichimatsu curses himself for being so cowardly, but like every other time a small part of him is relieved, that wants to keep living.

Letting out a low defeated sigh he begins the trip down the ladder. Next time, he thought. I'll defiantly do it then. Once reaching the ground his shoves his hands in his hoodie pockets and tries not to look suspicious as he re-enters society. He'd picked that spot to jump for a reason, it was deserted. No bystanders or witnesses to the gruesome act. He'd leave that to the police officers. After all, he'd already left a note hidden in his belongings they'd find eventually informing his brothers where he'd done it. That is, until he actually did it.

I was hard to pin point exactly when the problem had started. Once the sextuplets entered high school and began branching off into differing traits was when Ichimatsu started getting quiet. He talked less and spent more time alone, preferring the company of cats over people. It had never been a worrisome change, only when cuts began appearing on his wrists did they finally notice that secluded and shy had turned to suicidal and depressed.

He was put on medication and forced to see a therapist once a week. Things got better little by little, but not from pills and questioning. It was his brothers that aided in pulling him from the rut he'd been stuck in. Whenever his mind would drift into dark areas or his gaze would linger on kitchen knives they'd step in and change his train of thought. Osomatsu's snide humour, Karamatsu's painful lines, Choromatsu's constant reassuring, Todomatsu's words of concern and especially Jyushimatsu's wide smile were enough to stop him from doing anything stupid, and they're likely the reason why Ichimatsu is so hesitant to just take those few short steps now. His brothers almost acted like some kind of invisible force, pulling him back at every attempt.

A full moon hung in the sky, it was getting pretty late by now. Ichimatsu wondered if any of his brothers would be home by now. He remembered they all had plans today besides himself and Todomatsu, which was odd considering he usually spent the most time out of the house. Sliding open the door, he kicked off his sandals at the entrance and stepped inside. It looked like no one was back yet, considering how eerily quiet it was.

The living room lights were turned off, Ichimatsu hadn't moved far before hissing in pain. He's stepped on something sharp. Navigating his way to the light switch, he gritted his teeth at the sensation of warm blood seeping out. Finding the switch, he flicked it on and cringed at the sudden bright light. Once his eyes adjusted, Ichimatsu recognised the sharp material he'd stepped on as a piece of Todomatsu's phone screen, which was completely shattered and scattered across the room. It looked as if it had been thrown against the wall with enough force to cause the hard plastic to break.

Before he had a chance to question this, he heard it. A cough. Then another, and another.

"Todomatsu?"

Ichimatsu's heart began to race a little, feeling an ounce of panic. The cut could wait, he had a bad feeling about this.

Sliding open the bedroom door, his body freezed up at the sight before him. The first thing his eyes locked on was his youngest brother, slumped against the wall. Then the blood spattered around his mouth. Then the canister of pain killers, opened with the contents strewn around the floor.

Ichimatsu was frozen in place. Totty was the last of his brothers he ever expected to do something like this, and just after moments before he had attempted the same thing.

He was trembling. Shaking. His mind refused to operate.

Ambulance. I need to call an ambulance.

Everything seemed so surreal, as if he wasn't even moving. Ichimatsu rushed towards the phone, punching in the number as quickly as possibly with fumbling fingers. He couldn't even feel the cut anymore. It must have only taken the dispatcher a few seconds to pick up, but even that short moment of waiting felt so long.

A monotone woman's voice answered and Ichimatsu immediately began sputtering and talking a mess of incoherent sentences into the receiver. The dispatcher spoke calmly and managed to get him explain the situation as clearly as possible.

"An ambulance is on it's way, I need you to stay on the phone with me until then."

Ichimatsu's droopy eyes gave a panicked glance towards Todomatsu, still coughing violently in the other room.

"How long?"

"Around twenty minut-"

"That's not fast enough."

"Sir please calm down, they are going as fast possible."

"He's dying, what am I supposed to do?! Fast as possible isn't good enough."

"Sir do-"

Ichimatsu slammed the phone down, hanging up, and rushed to his brothers side.

Todomatsu's breathing was haggard and pained, as if each intake of air was a stab to his lungs. Ichimatsu picked the bottle of medication off the ground. He felt sinking feeling when quickly realising how light the canister was, and how little pills were left. He'd drained almost the entire thing.

"Todomatsu you idiot." He muttered.

Kneeling next to him, he propped his brother into a more comfortable position and held his hand, squeezing it tightly as another torrent of coughs overtook him. It was all he could really do in a situation like this, he only hoped the ambulance would arrive sooner.

Totty's eyes locked on him for a moment, before immediately looking away as if ashamed. Tears bubbled in his eyes, and he cried loudly into Ichimatsu's chest. Red faced with tears and snot running down his face, it was a state he would usually hate seeing himself in, but here in his older brothers arms he seemed to have given up caring completely.

He coughed again, this time blood splattered out, and Ichimatsu felt completely useless.

"Why did you do this to yourself? This kind of shit has always been more in my department you know..." Ichimatsu knew it probably wasn't a good time to ask questions, but he desperately needed an answer. However, all he got in response was another round of sobbing. Sobbing and coughing.

Todomatsu was slipping. His breaths were smaller and shorter.

Ichimatsu was at a loss of what to do.

"Hey Todomatsu, hey?!" He shook his younger brother a bit more violently then he probably should have. "Stay with me! Come on, please..."

Again he didn't get a reply,  
Or any response at all.

The ambulance never arrived on time.

The truth came to light a few days later about why Todomatsu committed suicide. Apparently his social media account had been hacked into by one of his "friends." Ichimatsu couldn't care less about remembering his name, Atsushit or something along those lines. The bastard had posed as him online and destroyed his younger brothers reputation.

The moment Totty's phone screen had been replaced and was able to be accessed a flood of unanswered text messages, death threats and literal pages of ignorant people commenting that he should kill himself filled the screen.

The youngest matsu's social life had always been almost like a lifeline, and once it turned to shambles, he just fell apart without anyone knowing.

The scary thing is how ignorant they all were to the fact that any of this was even happening. Todomatsu was a good actor, and a good liar. There wasn't a single indication of the hell he was going through. The whole thing just came out of no where. Nobody was prepared to see him dead on the ground that night.

Ichimatsu was there for when the police interrogated him, the bastard behind it. He remembered his calm posture and sleek black suit that screamed money. The man talked in a constant light and airy voice. He acted concerned and surprised about the situation, but Ichimatsu could see the hidden effort he was putting in not to crack an arrogant smile.

There were other people questioned, a lot of people Todomatsu had apparently been acquainted with that he didn't recognise in the slightest. Just another thing he'd kept secret from them he guessed. A pair of young women admitted to taking part of the onslaught of verbal abuse and apologised profusely. They didn't really care, he could tell. They were just scared to get in trouble, especially with the police involved.

He wished they'd all rot behind bars, but only the hacker was being held accountable. Ichimatsu didn't know how long he'd be in prison for, hopefully long enough that he'd never have to see his smug ass fucking face again. As far as he's concerned that man murdered his younger brother.

He himself was questioned as well, along with the rest of his family. They asked if he had noticed any changes in Todomatsu's behaviour recently, and whether or not he'd had suicidal tendencies in the past. The answers were the same from all of them, a resounding no.

Now Ichimatsu stood in a formal black suit, next to four brothers and not five as a coffin was lowered into the ground. Some familiar and unfamiliar faces arrived. He recognised Todomatsu's former co-workers from Subataa, who both looked more like they'd attended to show off their fancy dresses that weren't even coloured black then to pay their respects. He kept his gaze strictly pointed at the ground, refusing to make eye contact with anyone around him.

It was hell trying to explain a horrific situation he didn't understand yet himself to each of his brothers as they arrived home one by one. Their expressions of utter shock and devastation were plastered in his memory. The ambulance that had ended up arriving late sadly pulled a white sheet over his lifeless body, and the incomplete sextuplets were left, still desperately trying to process that this was reality and not some fucked up dream.

No one had said anything, but it was painfully obvious they had all expected Ichimatsu to be the one to commit suicide out of them, and especially not Totty. After all he even had a half successful attempt in the past.

Once arriving back home after the service, Ichimatsu wanted nothing more then to be left alone. It was moments like these especially that he wished he had a room to himself. The tension was suffocating. It would have been completely quiet if it weren't for Jyushimatsu's loud crying, muffled as he buried his tear stricken face into a pillow. Choromatsu seemed to follow Ichimatsu's example by avoiding eye contact, pretending to be interested in the book he'd picked at random of the shelf. Osomatsu simply sat cross legged, face shadowed. He didn't say anything or even acknowledge anyone else's presence. He'd been a huge mess at the reception, body shaking as he sobbed uncontrollably, although now he acted completely sombre. Karamatsu had wanted to stay at the grave a little longer, so he'd been left behind.

Times where Ichimatsu felt this shit were usually improved by Jyushimatsu's infinite energy and cheerfulness, but looking at his younger brother's current state he seemed more in need of comforting then himself.

That night the five remaining brothers lay on a futon designed for six. The empty spot a chilling reminder of how easy it was for anyone to succumb to depression and suicide.

Anyone at all.


	2. Yellow Train Station Goodbyes

Jyushimatsu hadn't smiled once since Todomatsu's suicide.

It was surreal, unnatural. Seeing him without his signature open mouthed smile looked so out of place Ichimatsu almost made mistook him for another brother on more then one occasion. He was sitting next to him now, at Chibita's oden stand along Osomatsu, Karamatsu and Choromatsu, drinking away until their minds refused to function. It was the quick and easy way to get rid of grief, not the best or long-lasting, but he couldn't care less at the moment.

Ichimatsu glanced at his now youngest brother and noticed he hadn't taken a single sip. He was worried about him. It was now two months since Todomatsu's death and although something always felt missing, the brothers had all began to move on in their own ways.

Except Jyushimatsu.

"Oi Chibita get me another bottle would ya?" Osomatsu slurred, head down against the table. Clearly drunk as all hell, not that it ever surprised anyone any more. He'd been drinking a lot more recently. Everybody was well aware of how unhealthy his obsession was becoming, though no one bothered speaking out about. Most likely for good reason.

Chibita sighed, but none the less slid another bottle his way. He'd been a lot softer on the brothers after being told the news, even clearing their tab, saying it was the last thing they should have to worry about at the moment. Ichimatsu was especially grateful for that, considering he was completely broke at the moment. They all were, thanks to Osomatsu's annoying habit of "borrowing" his brothers wallets to fuel his worsening pachinko addiction.

Ichimatsu was becoming sleepy, nodding off as a tipsy Choromatsu rambled about something involving the music industry. He was snapped to his senses an indefinite amount of time later by Jyushimatsu nudging him awake.

"Ichimatsu-niisan we're going home now."

Blinking his baggy eyes, he saw everyone was already up and waiting for him. Well, all except Osomatsu who had completely passed out and was now being carried by Karamatsu who looked at least relatively sober. Ichimatsu slowly blinked his baggy eyes and sluggishly moved from his seat. "Right..." he mumbled, trying to think straight.

After waving goodbye to Chibita, the now quintuplets began their drunken and shaky trip home. Ichimatsu already had a head splitting head ache and could tell tomorrow's hangover was going to be absolute hell. Choromatsu seemed to have found a person to dump his idol bullshit onto in Karamatsu, who just seemed to be happy being talked to, so Ichimatsu and Jyushimatsu hung at the back of the group in silence.

"Uh Jyushimatsu?" he said hesitantly. The younger brother turned his face in his direction with a questioning look.

"Did you want to play baseball again sometime?"

He was trying. He really was, even attempting to put a little enthusiasm in his voice. They hadn't played the game in months, which was a very serious indication something was defiantly wrong, and Ichimatsu was even starting to miss the time they used to spend together.

"No thanks Ichimatsu-niisan, I'm not really feeling it."

The rest of the trip was spent in silence.

The next few days weren't much better. Jyushimatsu had yet to smile, despite Ichimatsu's best efforts. He even pulled a funny face as ridiculous as he felt doing it, just as an attempt to get a laugh. Nothing. Not even a chuckle. Giving a defeated sigh, he gave up trying for the time being and got up to feed the cats. They had already been fed not too long ago, but it was one of the only things he found enjoyment in anymore, just seeing them helped ease the emptiness inside him.

The shrill ring of the phone distracted Ichimatsu from the cats that were affectionately rubbing their fur against him. Surely someone else will get it, he thought to himself, though by the fifth ring it was starting become unlikely. He quickly and clumsily stepped to his feet and made an effort to answer the phone on time, not wanting to leave the caller annoyed. He made it just in time, holding the phone to his ear he answered.

"..Hello?"

"Um, hi... Who is this?" A female voice answered.

"Ichimatsu. Who are you?"

"Oh are you one of Jyushimatsu's brothers? He told me all about you guys! I'm Homura, his um... friend."

Homura? The name didn't sound familiar, but it could be Jyushimatsu had simply forgotten to mention it, which wouldn't be out of the ordinary for him. Could it be this was the weird girl he'd dated briefly all that time ago? Memories of the time they spied on him while on his date invade his mind and a small smile crept on his face. Ichimatsu missed those times of dumb fun. They'd all been there to comfort Jyushimatsu when he returned from saying goodbye, but he convinced them he was fine, and he had been. For a while at least.

"Your the home run girl." He said bluntly. Crap, he really did suck at talking to women.

"Ah yes," she said, letting out a small laugh. "I'm calling because I'm visiting for a short while and I'd really like to see him again. Is he there?"

"No." he said a little too quickly. Jyushimatsu was there, a couple rooms over, but Ichimatsu knew without a doubt he was going to deny her in his state. He wasn't going to let Jyushimatsu fuck this up because of this emotional rut he was stuck in.

"Oh um, well my train arrives tomorrow morning at nine, do you know if he'll be able to make it?"

"He will. Defiantly."

"Really? I mean, that's great! Thank you so much Ichimatsu-kun!"

Ichimatsu felt a smile of his tug at his cheeks once again. Jyushimatsu really is lucky to have a person like her. Now he just has to get him smiling again before then.

"...It's fine, I'll tell him next time I see him."

Their conversation was a pleasant one, spanning a little over twenty minutes. Despite his short responses, Homura managed to do a good job of keeping the talk flowing and preventing things from getting awkward. Ichimatsu mentioned that Jyushimatsu wasn't very happy at the moment, and did his best to avoid informing her the reason, desperately avoiding the topic of brothers in general.

"Thank you again, I have to leave now but I'd love meet you some time as well."

"Yeah... See you." he mumbled.

"See you."

With that they both hung up, the phones click signalling the end of the call. Ichimatsu immediately found his way to the living room, where Jyushimatsu was sitting, seemingly staring into space.

"You've got a date." he declared, taking a seat next to him. Jyushimatsu quickly turned to look at him in surprise. "Huh?"

"With Homura." Ichimatsu felt an ounce of pride at being able to remember the name.

"Homura..." the younger brother repeated softly, then suddenly jumped to his feet. "When? What time?"

"Tomorrow morning at nine." Ichimatsu felt a small sense of relief. It wasn't quite a smile yet, but he was at least taking interest and he'd consider that good progress considering how uncooperative he'd been beforehand.

Jyushimatsu looked at the ground, frowning. "Are you going to go?" Ichimatsu asked hopefully.

"Yeah. I'll go."

Ichimatsu inwardly cheered.

It was the next day, and Ichimatsu eyed the clock anxious for when Jyushimatsu would get home, to hear about how it had went. He seriously hoped Homura had been able to do a better job of cheering him up then himself, after all she seemed like a happy, although slightly shy person. Jyushimatsu had helped her with the same issue before, so hopefully she'd be able to return the favour.

The door slid open, to reveal Jyushimatsu back from his date. Unhappy.

"How did it go?" Ichimatsu was afraid to ask.

"I broke up with her."

Ichimatsu froze. "Wait... You've got to be kidding me?" Jyushimatsu attempted to walk right past him, but Ichimatsu pulled him back, a little to roughly to be good natured.

"You did what?!" he almost shouted, his grasp tightened on his younger brothers arm, so much that it began to cut off the blood circulation.

"N-Niisan you're hurting me." Jyushimatsu whimpered, but it fell on death ears.

"How could you do that?! And after she came all this way to see you for the first time in ages? Why?"

"I-I... Please stop."

Ichimatsu only applied more pressure, boiling with rage. Just when he thought this would be the event to finally cheer his younger brother up again. All he wanted was to see him happy again. That's all he wanted...

"You really think your the only one upset about Todomatsu?!" Before he could even realise what he was doing and saying it was too late to go back. he yanked his brother into the air roughly, maybe he noticed how Jyushimatsu yelped in pain. maybe he didn't. At the moment, red seemed to taint his vision.

"I'm sorry! I-"

"I was the one to see the light fade from his eyes! You realise how that shitty that makes a person feel? How much that can fuck you up? You got it easy, so fucking smile already!"

A drop of liquid fell to ground, and Ichimatsu heard a sniffle. Jyushimatsu finally faced him, tears rolling down his cheeks. His grip loosened, and the younger brother fell to the ground. He stood in silence, in complete shock at what he'd done. No longer being held back Jyushimatsu regained himself, running in fear from his older brother into the other room and slamming the door behind him.

Fear. Ichimatsu had scared him. Jyushimatsu, the one he had always relied on.

Another drop of liquid fell and Ichimatsu realised he himself was crying.

"Brother what happened to your arm?!'

Karamatsu was the first to notice the dark bruises on Jyushimatsu. They were all at the bath house, where the mark was clearly visible against his bare skin. Jyushimatsu looked at the bruise, then back to Karamatsu. "I ran into a wall." he said uncharacteristically coldly.

Ichimatsu almost wanted him to tell the truth, having the brother he was once closest to ignore him completely was hell. "You really need to be more careful Jyushimatsu, It looks pretty bad..." Choromatsu said observing the mark.

"Does it hurt when I poke it?" Osomatsu said jeeringly, then poked it. Jyushimatsu shook his head no and the conversation was dropped. Once they had exited the bath and changed back into their clothes Jyushimatsu announced he had somewhere to be, and parted ways from the group.

The others had quickly dismissed it and waved him goodbye. Chatting amongst each other, Ichimatsu slipped on his sandals and hastily chased after him, ignoring his brothers when they called after him. He followed Jyushimatsu quietly, keeping the distance between them over ten metres and watching from afar, not wanting to alert him of his presence.

He continued to trail after him, before finally arriving at what Ichimatsu assumed was his destination. A train station. There was a glimmer of hope inside him, as he was quick to assume Jyushimatsu was going to visit Homura, however that hope diminished as he walked right past the ticket stand. The area was crowded, and Ichimatsu had to strain his eyes to catch a glimpse of yellow among the grey mass of people. At least it easier to go unnoticed now, he thought to himself before continuing his pursuit.

Then he saw him, Jyushimatsu standing behind the yellow safety line, just staring, seemingly at nothing.

And then he jumped.

Ichimatsu's heart skipped a beat. Maybe two. There was an immediate response from the crowd, one woman even screamed. A train could come at any moment, yet Jyushimatsu seemed completely unphased.

"Get off the tracks you idiot!" Someone yelled from the sidelines. Ichimatsu suddenly couldn't speak. Couldn't move. He felt completely useless once again.  
Then it appeared in the far distance. A train.

With a sudden cry he lurched forward towards the tracks. He need to get him out of the machines path. To pull him close and apologise. He'd get ice for the bruise and together they'd visit Todomatsu's grave. He'd be there to comfort him just like he had for him. A hand pulled him back, and all he could hear was screaming and crying and the sound of the roaring train engine.

Blinking his tear filled eyes he looked at Jyushimatsu, the train so close to impact, and noticed before anything else the wide, genuine smile spread across his face as he waved him goodbye. In that moment time appeared to freeze.

The truck made contact, and Ichimatsu world seemed to tear apart around him.

The sickening crack of bones and the coppery scent of blood filled the air as he fell to his knees, sobbing. Ichimatsu didn't want to look, and as soon as he did he regretted it. Red. Red was everywhere. Splattered across the hard concrete and horrified bystanders, it was all he could see. Bile rose in his throat and Ichimatsu resisted the urge to throw up.

The entire Train Station was in panic. Parents shielded their child's eyes from the gruesome sight, people shoved and pushed past each other in complete chaos. Nobody seemed to even notice the purple hooded figure, hunched over in the in the middle of the disaster.

Still processing the nightmarish reality before him only one thought filled his mind.

"I lost another brother, and this time it's all my fault."


	3. Green Knotted Nooses

The cemetery was quiet and deserted aside from a single figure. Ichimatsu walked among the mass of grey headstones and crosses, finally finding the two he was looking for in particular. He didn't want be here. He'd rather be anywhere but here, but there was a huge weight on his chest and this visit was long overdue.

What remained of Jyushimatsu had been buried next to Todomatsu, as requested by the family. Standing before his two younger brothers he could tell Karamatsu had visited recently, judging by the extravagant bouquet's of slightly wilted pink and yellow roses at each grave.

Ichimatsu shivered in the cold wind which seemed to bite at his skin as he tugged his hoodie closer around him. It was the same one he'd worn that day. If you looked hard enough, faint red stains could still be visible. His Mother had wanted to throw it out, but for some reason he didn't even understand himself, he continued to hold onto it.

It wasn't a day he liked to remember. Even now he tries to wipe what he'd seen and experienced from his memory. How he once again had to explain the absence of another younger brother, because he'd once again been there to witness it. When he'd been forced to unhook that formal black suit from it's coat hanger for the second time, only last time there were five, and now there are four.

He kneels at the second grave, already feeling ridiculous. "I'm sorry." he mumbles to it. He doesn't get an answer, not that he expects one. Ichimatsu doesn't feel any better like Karamatsu said he would. Just empty.

Ichimatsu grimaced at the sight of another figure approaching, a brother. Choromatsu seemed to have the same reaction. It's obvious they both had expected to be alone on their respected visits. Bringing himself to his feet, he quickly set down the bundle of hand picked flowers he'd brought and began quickly walking in the opposite direction.

"Ichimatsu, wait!" Choromatsu called after him. Ichimatsu wanted to ignore him, but reluctantly stopped in his tracks. "I was just leaving Fappymatsu." Choromatsu frowned at the use of his despised nickname.

"No you weren't, I know you just got here. Why do you keep avoiding us?"

"Like you're any better." Ichimatsu muttered under his breath. Choromatsu was the one always looking for an excuse to leave the house since Jyushimatsu's death, to escape the presence of his brothers.

"I'm serious! you need to stop blocking us out. You need to talk to us."

"Why do you care?!" Ichimatsu snapped back. Choromatsu sighed. "Because you're my only younger brother left, I'm worried about you."

"Like hell you are." he muttered in response, looking for a distraction, some reason to leave the conversation.

"I am, seriously should I really have to prove that?" Ichimatsu didn't say anything, so his older brother continued. "Look, I... I know you're still really upset about it, but you need to start moving forward."

"It hasn't been that long..." he said quietly.

"Five months. It's been five months."

Ichimatsu blinked his droopy eyes, which were only growing baggier with continuous loss of sleep. Had it really been that long ago? He hadn't really bothered keeping track of time since then.

"Then why are you here? If you're so obsessed with moving forward."

Choromatsu looked at the ground, pausing before speaking. "Because I'm leaving."

"Wait, what?" he questioned, immediately a feeling of dread overcome him. Ichimatsu didn't want to lose anyone else, he didn't want Choromatsu to go as well.

"I got a job, at the factory Dad used to work at..." Without looking Ichimatsu in the eye he continued. "I've already found an apartment, I move out tomorrow."

Ichimatsu didn't say anything, just continued to stare past him with sunken eyes.

"It's not like I won't keep in contact, I'll send letters." Choromatsu said with forced enthusiasm after not receiving any response.

"Way to assume I even care." he spat, cold and irritated.

Ichimatsu instantly regretted his harsh words after seeing Choromatsu's saddened expression of hurt. "I mean, uh good luck." he added quickly.

"Wow thanks." Choromatsu replied, voice laden with sarcasm.

"Have you told anyone else?"

"Only Mum and Dad." he said quietly, gazing into the distance.

"Osomatsu isn't going to react well."

"Yeah. I know."

It was quiet after that, without even realising it Ichimatsu's gaze had shifted back to the two graves. Choromatsu, with a worried look grabbed his hand and lead him away.

"Come on, lets go home."

* * *

The next day, at what should have been a happy and celebrated occasion was spent in almost complete tense silence. Karamatsu seemed to be the only one putting in any effort to be enthusiastic, and even that seemed forced. As expected, Osomatsu didn't even bother hiding his frustration at Choromatsu's decision to leave. Anything he spoke came out cold and unforgiving, and he kept sending glares at his younger brothers' way. When it was finally time for him to leave, the eldest didn't even step out of the house to say goodbye.

Osomatsu had been a real pain as of late. He was barely home anymore, and whenever he was he'd more likely then not be in a terrible mood. Ichimatsu wasn't looking forward to being stuck with him and Shittymatsu from this point forward. Choromatsu was annoying, but not unbearably uncomfortable to be around like his other two remaining brothers.

Watching Iyami's truck grow smaller in the distance, Ichimatsu couldn't shake the feeling of dread he felt after waving his older brother goodbye. It was one that he'd become all too familiar by now. The terrified feeling of losing another family member for good.

Choromatsu's first letter arrived a week after his departure. It covered all the basic things, what his workplace was like and how he was settling into living with the absence of his brothers. Only Karamatsu bothered responding, though he signed it from all of them to help Choromatsu not feel too bad, as if his flowery writing could ever be fooled for anyone else's. Ichimatsu wasn't good with words and Osomatsu made it very clear to everyone he was still mad with his younger brother.

Ichimatsu stopped caring enough to even want to read the letters anymore after months of this charade. What he did notice is that they were shorter, briefer. The hand writing was more shaky then before. Choromatsu constantly tried to reassure them he was alright without them even asking about his condition.

They started to become less frequent as well. Before they would usually receive a new letter every couple of weeks, now they were lucky to get one a month. Everybody noticed the changes, though nobody said anything.

It was a cloudy day, the sky looking as if it could shower rain at any moment. Ichimatsu was returning from the supermarket, a bag of cat food in hand. Feeding the strays was the only reason he left the house any more, that and the few times he'd visit his younger brothers.

Seeing a familiar red clad brother on his way back he inwardly groaned. Osomatsu looked to be attempting to flirt with a disinterested woman. He must have said something stupid because a second later she dealt a firm slap to his cheek before turning her heel in a huff. That's when he noticed the empty bottle of sake still clutched in his hand and realised he was intoxicated. Osomatsu seemed to take forever in noticing Ichimatsu just metres away. Just how much had he drunk?

"Osomatsu." he practically hissed. The eldest slowly blinked, then hiccuped.

"Ichimatsu..."

He was delirious, Ichimatsu was surprised he was still standing with all the alcohol he'd consumed.

"Get out of here before you embarrass yourself even more." Ichimatsu snarled, grabbing his wrist tightly and pulling him with out of the public eyes view and sitting him on a bench.

"Ichimatsu!" he spoke as if first realising he was there, despite acknowledging his appearance moments before. "Did you want to join me on my date? I totally scored a pretty one! She's just... Oh, where'd she go?" Osomatsu looked around with half lidded eyes.

"Just shut up." Ichimatsu groaned, rubbing his temple. He really hated having to deal with this right now, but Osomatsu was either going to make a bigger fool of himself then he already had in front of anyone unfortunate enough to see, or pass out on the streets where no one would give a second glance. Taking care of the eldest was a task no one would willingly take, though Ichimatsu always found himself wrapped into doing so.

"Don't tell me to shut up you... you..." He seemed to loose his train of thought and stared into blank space.

"Get up, we're leaving."

"You can't tell me what to do!" Another hiccup.

"Just get up." Ichimatsu said tiredly, attempting to pull him from the seat.

"No! I'm sick of you telling me what to do you... you brother killer."

Osomatsu seemed to recognise his mistake as soon as he'd said it. "I'm sorry."  
Ichimatsu sighed, as his older brother relented and shakily stood up.

"It's okay." he spoke softly.

It hurt to know that Osomatsu really did blame him for Jyushimatsu's actions. Not that he didn't agree with him.

"I just miss them."

"I know. I do too."

* * *

Elsewhere Choromatsu took a deep breath. The letter would have arrived by now. His last letter. Feeling the firm rope through his fingers he took a moment to really think about what he was doing. It wasn't too late, he could still turn back. Then he thought about his god awful boss, the mountains of paperwork, the already delivered letter and his brothers smiling faces, and tightened it around his neck.

* * *

They walked back in comfortable silence, the kind which Ichimatsu had come to miss. He kept an eye on Osomatsu and kept him from accidentally walking into any poles or tripping over. The familiar sight of their house appeared just as Osomatsu was beginning to show signs of sobering up. Ichimatsu was about to twist the doorknob, but didn't get a chance. The door was violently swung open to reveal a ghostly pale Karamatsu, a letter clutched in his hand, looking as if he could burst into tears at any moment.

"We need to get to Choromatsu's apartment right now!"

"W-what? What's going on?!" Osomatsu's eyes darted around worriedly.

"Why? How are we even supposed to ge-"

"Forgive me my brother but we can't waste any time, I've already called a taxi,"  
Karamatsu spoke, cutting Ichimatsu off. His hand were trembling badly, Ichimatsu could practically hear his heart beating rapidly. Taking another deep shaky breath, Karamatsu continued.

"Choromatsu is trying to kill himself."

The three of there were packed into the backseat of a cab, shouting in desperation, (and polite urgency in Karamatsu's case) to go faster and Ichimatsu could hardly believe this was happening yet again.

"Isn't there anything else we can do?" he squeezed at the car seat anxiously. "Karamatsu, you called an ambulance right?"

Karamatsu turned to Ichimatsu with a blank look before holding his hand to his face in frustration. "Ah mistake!" he cried in poor english.

"I have Totty's phone." Osomatsu said quietly. It was the first thing he'd spoken since they'd piled into the car. Ichimatsu didn't bother questioning why the first born had taken their deceased younger brothers phone, he'd get answers for that later. The eldest pulled the pink accessory covered receiver from his hoodie pocket and quickly began punching in the number before holding to his ear. A few minutes later he set the phone down.

"They said they'll be there soon..." Osomatsu bit his lip and looked out the window, eyes brightening a bit as Choromatsu's apartment came into view. The taxi had barely stopped before the car doors were pushed open and the brothers tumbled out and onto their feet, immediately racing towards the building. The door was locked, Osomatsu threw fist against it.

"Choromatsu open up! This isn't funny you sick fuck!" He shouted furiously, though his voice faltered by the end. Karamatsu motioned for him to step aside and threw punch after punch at the wood until the hinges gave in and detached, the door in it's entirety falling down. Ichimatsu stood in shock. Karamatsu was surprisingly strong, although it could simply be the fact that the wood was of cheap and low quality.

They barged in screaming his name, Ichimatsu couldn't help but notice the many stacks of piled paper, some collapsed on the floor. They had acted as fast as possible.

But they were too late.

The horrific image of Choromatsu's hanging body is something that will forever remain plastered in Ichimatsu's memory.

 _Dear Family._  
 _I'm guessing you can already tell by the black envelope that this is my suicide note to you all. Just admitting it feels weird even. "Deciding to jump on the bandwagon?" and "what's your reason" are things you're probably thinking. I hate having to put you all through this again, but over time I've begun to feel like it's the only choice. The truth is I'd always had vague ideas about doing this, but after Todomatsu and Jyushimatsu I'd decided to longer think of it as an option, until now. The work... It keeps piling up until it's all I can think about anymore. The standards and deadlines I can never hope to achieve have driven me into a corner. I want to get help, but it feels like there is no one to talk. Whenever I consider opening up to you guys about it I think about how you must already be sick of everyone offing themselves and I know I won't be taken seriously. The truth is, that's probably not what would happen. I'm making excuses for myself and I'm sorry... For all of this._

 _To Mum and Dad, I regret never being able to make you proud. I can't even get through half a year of work without killing myself. It's pathetic, I know. I wish I could say I've been working to the best of my potential at all times, but up until a couple of months ago I gave up trying almost entirely. You've always been so supportive and caring throughout my life and yet I still achieved nothing. It's not much, but I'd like all the money I've made to go towards the house. Raising sextuplets must have been anything but easy but I think you did the best job possible._

 _To Ichimatsu, I wish I'd been able to understand you better. This is mostly my fault again, seeing as though I'd never put any great effort into getting close to you. Now though, I think I'm beginning to get you a little bit more. Depression sucks doesn't it? I remember when you had your first attempt. I was terrified, devastated, but overall confused. Back then I didn't get the logic of wanting to take your own life. What a laugh that is now. I'm not oblivious, I can tell that under that frightening exterior your no different then any other normal person with sensitive human emotions, I think we all can see that. Please don't try anything again, I know you may not notice but there are people all around you that care about you, don't take that for granted._

 _To Karamatsu, I'm going to be blunt with you. I noticed along time ago but this is the first time I've brought attention to it. How you no longer keep your sleeves rolled up or go to the bathhouse with us, and I want you to stop. I know you don't get compliments often, but you're a great guy really. I'm thankful for all the small things you do behind the scenes, and I'm sure it's also my fault you've gone so unappreciated. I don't want you to end up in the same state as me. The same goes for you for what I've said for Ichimatsu, even when it doesn't seem like, there's always people around you that care. (I'm sounding like a hypocrite now aren't I?) Please seek help. To the others I know are also reading this, please don't ignore this, please do something._

 _To Osomatsu, you probably hate me, and I understand. Looking back on it, leaving the house in the first place was a stupid idea. I just couldn't handle it any more. I missed the old you. Please understand that I'm not implying your the reason I'm doing this. This is my own fault and my own choice, so don't hold yourself responsible (even though I know you will anyway.) I know you've always been pressured as the eldest to be be kind to your younger brothers, and even if you act like a arrogant jerk most of the time, I think you did a wonderful job. Even putting it on paper sounds cheesy, but I love you, and I'm so thankful for everything you've done._

 _There's so much more I want to tell you all, but my words can only convey so much. Trust me, I've tried. This is far from the first attempt at writing this final letter, I'm not even sure if this will be the one I'll send. If I had to take an estimated guess this sixteenth? Maybe the seventeenth. I keep having to restart because the words won't sound right or my tears will blotch the ink. Even this newest attempt doesn't sound right. Forgive me if the words are too blurred or messy to read, my hands are shaking so much as I right this, it's hard to keep them still. I'm going to end it now, again I'm sorry but by the time you read this it will already be too late. I love you all, and I'm so, so sorry._

 _-Choromatsu_


	4. Blue Ocean Serenade

It was lightly raining out outside. Ichimatsu stared out the window, watching as mud puddles grew and dark clouds gathered. Life was a chore nowadays. The days would start and end the same. The middle area was hardly any different either.

Things had been horrible around the house to say the least as of late. Osomatsu would lock himself in the bedroom all day with Choromatsu's letters and read them over and over again. Ichimatsu wished he could say it was an improvement from his constant absence of the house, but it wasn't. Especially since now he had starting smoking, something Choromatsu had always been strongly against.

Karamatsu was another story altogether. Despite what Choromatsu's last letter had stated, nobody really stepped up to say anything about the situation. Not even their parents, who were more focused on suing the factory for overworking their son to the point of suicide. Ichimatsu hadn't forgotten, even though it seemed like everyone else had. Karamatsu himself refused to acknowledge anything said in the note, which was easy considering how nobody had ever bothered confronting him about it.

That was going to change. Ichimatsu would make sure of it. No way in hell was he losing another brother. No more. As if on cue, he heard the front door open and slam shut silently. Ichimatsu peered out the window again to see a familiar blue hooded figure leaving the house, except Karamatsu hadn't mentioned he was going anywhere that day. Ichimatsu frowned and stood up. He was not going to let Karamatsu out of his sight. Not in his current state and considering all he's been through recently dealing with so much loss. All the shit they'd both been through.

Ichimatsu hated it, the sickening sense of familiarity he felt when following an unknowing Karamatsu. It was all to similar to when he'd chased after Jyushimatsu the day he died.

Twenty minutes later, they both arrived at not a train station thank god, but a beach of all places. Ichimatsu recognised the place as one of the areas Jyushimatsu used to swing his bat around. When he reached the base of a cliff is when alarm bells started ringing. It was then that Ichimatsu decide to speak up.

"What are you doing?"

Karamatsu quite literally jumped out of his skin at the sound of his younger brothers voice.

"I-Ichimatsu!' he spluttered out. "What are you doing here, my brother?" Karamatsu tried to regain his "cool" posture, yet was failing terribly.

"Answer my question." Ichimatsu voice was low, with an intimidating expression to match. Karamatsu quivered, seemingly looking for a believable explanation.

"I came here too uh... go fishing, I mean sight see! I mean... Isn't it a lovely day out? Lets enjoy this beautiful view together, my brother!"

If the circumstances had been any different Ichimatsu would've have given him a disgusted look, and mutter something about how painful he was acting as always. But these circumstances were anything but normal, because Ichimatsu had no doubt this was Matsuno brother suicide attempt number four, and he had just stopped it from happening.

"It's raining." he said bluntly.

Karamatsu really was a terrible liar, always had been. The weather was miserable. The view was nothing but clouds and distant lightning strikes.

"A-Ah, so it is..."

"Karamatsu show me your wrists."

The question clearly caught him off guard. His eyes widened as he instinctively took a few small steps back, stumbling over his words.

"There is nothing to look at other then boring skin! I wouldn't want to waste your ti-"

Karamatsu was cut off when Ichimatsu without warning took a hold of the blue fabric and shoved it up to his elbow. He grimaced, although he wasn't surprised, he'd not expected it too be quite as bad as it was. Deep red scars had been cut messily into his arm, some old and others looking as recent as earlier that day. Karamatsu quickly pushed his sleeve down too cover the wounds but it was too late, because Ichimatsu had seen them.

"Unbelievable." the younger brother muttered. Before Karamatsu even had a chance to shamble together some ludicrous excuse he continued.

"How long?"

"About ten months ago." he said quietly, finally giving up trying to hide it.

Ten months. Approximately the time since the first suicide.

Karamatsu's bottom lip trembled as he looked at him with eyes brimming with tears.

"Ugh quit crying I'm sorry okay?" Ichimatsu wasn't really sure what he was apologising for but that didn't matter. What mattered is that he hated seeing any of his brothers cry.

He wasn't really one for hugs at all, but he at least didn't resist when Karamatsu wrapped his arms around him and buried his tear streaked face into his purple sweater.

"Why were you going to do it?" Ichimatsu didn't get an answer last time he'd asked this. He was going to get a response now no matter what. "Were you seriously just going to drown yourself without even leaving anything behind? Without telling us?"

"I didn't think anyone would notice."

"You idiot." he muttered. "In case you haven't realised there are only three of us now. It's not exactly as easy as it was to be ignored."

"You never did before..." Karamatsu said so quietly it could have been mistaken for a whisper.

Ichimatsu didn't say anything for a while. How long had Karamatsu felt this way? How long had he been hurting? It was possible that this had been going on for much longer then he imagined. Ichimatsu gritted his teeth. He was supposed to be the sad sack of the family, while the others could keep smiling and laughing in blissful unawareness. He was supposed to be the one to go unnoticed as the emptiness clawed at him from the inside out. He was supposed to be the one to die. The only one to die.

"We're getting you a therapist. Now."

Karamatsu didn't move giving him a sad look. Ichimatsu stopped himself from grabbing his wrist, remembering the cuts and instead tugged at his hoodie sleeve. "Come on, we're going back."

He looked back at the cliff and the raging sea, an expression of longing in his eyes. It was one that Ichimatsu was far too familiar with. That same look he gave the far away cement every time he stoop atop the out of sight building.

He tugged again, harder this time. Karamatsu at last relented and began to follow him back home.

"A therapist and pills won't help... You said it yourself." he said quietly.

Ichimatsu stopped in his tracks. It had been so long ago, months after his first attempt. On constant trips to therapists and kept on high doses of medication, he hated them. Had he ever mentioned that the real reason he was getting better was because of his brothers? He must have, because Karamatsu seemed to remember it.

If he was really going to be of any help to Karamatsu, he'd defiantly need to take a different approach.

This is how Ichimatsu, instead of spending time with the cats like he wanted, was flicking through newspapers and magazines on a Saturday morning. What does Karamatsu even like? Besides terrible fashion sense that is, he thought to himself. Something finally caught his eye, a full page advertisement for a play adaption of some foreign folk tale. Karamatsu was the one who took those drama classes wasn't he? Or was that a different brother? Ichimatsu's memory of the times they were children seemed to be getting more and more hazy by the day. Either way, he had always been the theatrical type, and Ichimatsu was going to make sure he'd enjoy himself wether he wanted to or not.

Karamatsu was polishing his sunglasses when Ichimatsu approached him, and shoved the newspaper into his face.

"We're going."

"Huh what? Today?" Karamatsu took the paper into his hands and looked the advertisement over. Once laying eyes on the title his eyes bubbled with tears as he smiled in disbelief. "You'd really do this for me?"

"You get emotional too easy." Ichimatsu spoke with an unimpressed tone, but inside there was a spark of happiness. 'Thank god he agreed to go', he thought.

"We have to leave soon, get ready."

"R-right!"

Ichimatsu smiled a little once Karamatsu could no longer see his face, but he hadn't forgotten about his other brother.

Osomatsu didn't even look up when Ichimatsu threw open to door to their shared room. As he did with Karamatsu, he shoved the advertisement into the eldest's face. He looked at it for a moment, then pushed it away.

"Not interested."

"Too bad because you don't have a choice."

"What? H-hey!"

Ichimatsu dragged Osomatsu by the hoodie out of the room, ignoring him as he flailed around, kicking and yelling to leave him alone.

Karamatsu watched with half concern and half amusement. He'd changed into his leather jacket and self indulgent singlet, yet for once no one commented on how painful it looked. Despite his struggles, they managed to get Osomatsu into the car against his will. He was thankful their mother had offered to drive, however she really could not shut up about how happy she was that her sons were finally doing something fun together again. He just hoped she wouldn't feel the need to burst into another one of her speeches about 'getting through this hard time' and 'dealing with loss'.

Osomatsu still looked pissed, but at least he was there with them. Ichimatsu glanced at Karamatsu, who was staring out the window. Was that a glimmer of a smile? He hoped it was.

At the ticket stand, Karamatsu was about to reach for his wallet when Ichimatsu pulled out a wad of bills from his pocket and dumped it on the counter.

"Wow! Are you triplets?" The employee marvelled with wide eyes.

Ichimatsu almost corrected her before remembering.

The theatre was relatively crowded, but the three brothers were able to grab some good seats fairly close to the stage. The play was long and boring in Ichimatsu's opinion, but he hoped his brothers thought differently. Osomatsu complained a lot, big surprise, but Karamatsu liked it... Probably, or was he hiding his true emotions again?

Next it was a cinema, then an amusement park. He wouldn't give them a chance for the dark thoughts to settle and grow. He put up with bratty children, noisy crowds and like, because all of it was worth it to see his brothers happy.

Ichimatsu tried to take his brothers somewhere everyday. Karamatsu smiled a lot more, but it looked forced. Forced smiles were bad. Forced smiles were worse then no smile at all. He just wanted them to be safe. Safe and sound, close to him. At his reach. He'd failed three times now, he couldn't fail again. Never again.

He felt constantly on edge. Every time he saw Karamatsu he's check on his wrists again to see if there were any more cuts. There were less now. That meant he was getting better, right? He looked sad though, why? Why?

He was getting better.

He was getting better.

He was getting better.

At least, that's what Ichimatsu tried to convince himself.

He'd done everything he possibly could. So why was the sink filled with blood?

Why was Karamatsu missing?

His blood felt as if it had been replaced with ice cold water the moment he discovered it. The note, it only had one sentence.

 _'Thank you for noticing me.'_

They hadn't been enough. Him and Osomatsu hadn't been enough.

He ran into every room in the house. No Shittymatsu. No Karamatsu.

"Where's Karamatsu?!"

Osomatsu gave him a blank look. "He said he was going fishing. Why?"

Fishing. That had been one of his excuses the first time, except he hadn't gone fishing since Todomatsu died. Since he first started cutting himself.

Ichimatsu didn't waste any time, bolting out of the house. The sky was thundering, rain pelted down, limiting his vision. There had been similar poor weather the other time that seemed so long ago. As if the universe hated him and wanted to make this one family suffer as much as possible. He ran all the way to the beach. His legs felt as if they were about to drop off. He'd never been the physical type, one look could tell you that, yet he'd never moved faster then he had then.

Ichimatsu arrived just in time to see him jump.

No.

This couldn't be happening.

Not again.

Not again.

Not again.

He wasn't going to stand frozen in space. He wasn't going to be useless anymore.

Before he could even realise it, he was diving into the water without even feeling his legs move. The sound of his own screams, the deafening thunder and the crashing waves all blurred together until all he could hear was white noise. He couldn't see him. Karamatsu had disappeared completely under the water. Ichimatsu couldn't think straight. Everything looked fuzzy. Nothing seemed real. He didn't even notice the rising wave behind him before everything came to an abrupt stop in his mind and he too vanished at the mercy of the sea.

He woke up two days later in a hospital room with lungs half filled with water, severe head injuries and multiple large gashes all over his body.

Karamatsu wasn't as lucky.

They discovered his body not long after. Waterlogged and completely irresponsive. The damage dealt to him was even worse. Ichimatsu hoped the very least that death was instant. No one should have to be put through the pain of having the waves fling you around like a ragdoll, into rocks. Into cliffs.

They told Ichimatsu he'd been rescued by a nearby surfer who was out in the dangerous weather seeking thrills. He saw Karamatsu jump and saved him, assuming they were the same person. Oh the joys of looking identical. Ichimatsu couldn't shake the thought that if he hadn't been there Karamatsu could have been rescued, he doesn't bother too either.

He doesn't care anymore. Nothing matters. He tried so hard and yet still failed. He's just given up. He has no more willpower, no life. Ichimatsu wants to die more then ever, but he can't do that to Osomatsu. Osomatsu, who is standing next to him now bawling his eyes out in that same dreaded black suit he's grown to despise.

It's the fourth funeral he's attended that year and he's sick of it.

He's sick of it all.

Note/

Forgot to mention this but the fic is based off this video - watch?v=xlmRNU9eAO4


	5. Red Hot Cigarette Smoke

Osomatsu inhaled the smoke into his lungs then puffed it out, watching it cloud the room. He leaned over the sink to catch a glimpse of his reflection in the mirror once the smoke cleared. His eyes were bloodshot and his hair was a mess, even for someone who'd just woken up, although he'd use the term 'sleep' loosely in association with him.

It was hard. Living was hard.

Osomatsu chuckled to himself a little. With hair that dishevelled he almost looked like Ichimatsu.

That's when he had an idea.

He grabbed a brush from the counter and tugged it through the knots, smoothing his hair out until it looked flat and tidy, like Choromatsu's. He looked at his reflection and didn't see himself, but his brother. Osomatsu felt giddy, and took it a step further. Next he soured the drawers for a stick of brow liner, once finding it he made his eyebrows thicker, and stuck two hairs up once again. Just like that, it's almost as if they never left at all.

He couldn't help it, he was ecstatic. Osomatsu spread a wide smile across his face, which was easy considering his great mood. He patted his hair down again so just one hair stuck up.

"How have you been Jyushimatsu?" he asked the mirror.

"Great! Never better!" he said, imitating his deceased younger brothers voice.

He stuck up another hair and put on a cutesy expression.

"What about you Todomatsu?"

"Fine, Osomatsu-niisan." his reflection answered with a higher voice and small smile.

He almost let out a hysterical laugh. How could he help it? His brothers had never left at all!

Osomatsu talked to the mirror for what seemed like forever, constantly changing his appearance and voice as he switched between characters. A thought occurred. A horrible, sickening thought. He remembered the four hoodies collecting dust at the back of the closet that no one had the heart to get rid of, and smiled. Surely no one would notice if they went missing?

* * *

Ichimatsu hadn't slept in days, weeks maybe. Hell it might have even been months. Despite that, he still hadn't bothered moving from the futon. He had a sneaking suspicion Osomatsu hadn't been sleeping either, but he couldn't be sure, they lay facing opposite each other every night now. Ichimatsu didn't bother with anything any more. Why should he? What does it matter? With them gone nothing mattered.

He and Osomatsu barely talked to each other nowadays, only exchanging short abrupt words needed. They were a cluster of unsaid opinions and undefined emotions. It sucked, but it was life now and Ichimatsu had accepted that, for the most part.

The worst part is that he kept seeing them. Apparently his head wound was worse then he first thought because recently he'd been having hallucinations so vivid and real he didn't realise Jyushimatsu wasn't actually there until he reached at his sleeve only to be making a grasp at thin air.

They were more annoying then frightening. How was he supposed to move on like people kept telling him too if they kept hanging around? Every time he walked into a room, they'd all be there as if nothing had ever happened at all. They're dead. You're imagining them, he thought to himself over and over again when he saw them.

He walked into the living room and immediately wished he hadn't. As expected, his mind once again tricked him into believing his brothers were alive and well in front of him.

"Niisan! Let's play baseball!" Fake Jyushimatsu shouted at him swinging a fake bat around as once he entered. Ichimatsu tried not to look. If he acknowledged it the delusions would only get worse, that's what the doctor had said at least.

"Ichimatsu-niisan come take a selfie with me." Fake Todomatsu waved his fake little cellphone around.

"...Shut up." Ichimatsu said under his breath. "Just go away. Leave me alone, you're dead."

Fake Todomatsu pouted and went back to scrolling through posts, muttering something about being a wet blanket.

"Why are you always ignoring us?" Whined Fake Choromatsu, looking up from his fake idol magazine.

"Perhaps our brother just needs some fresh air?" Proposed Fake Karamatsu from the corner of the room, tuning his fake guitar.

"No. Just go away, all of you."

"He hasn't left the house in forever." Piped out Fake Choromatsu.

"We should all go somewhere, it's been a while." Fake Todomatsu mumbled without taking his eyes off the screen.

"Yeah let's go!" Fake Jyushimatsu cheered.

Ichimatsu held his head and tried to tune out their voices. When he looked up again they were gone, because they had never been there to begin with. They were getting worse, that much was evident. He drew out a long, defeated sigh. It was annoying having to keep going back to the hospital, not to mention the medical bills were stacking up, but at this rate it didn't seem like he had much of a choice. He hated the hallucinations more then he hated the doctors.

Osomatsu didn't know, at least Ichimatsu hoped he didn't. The delusions were last thing he wanted to try to explaining to him.

He found his way to the kitchen, and to the cabinet that held his medication. All six different types. Ichimatsu couldn't even begin to remember what each of them were for, his memory had never been very good, but now by now it was laughably bad. Popping each tiny pill into his mouth he resisted the strong urge to follow Todomatsu's example and down the entire canister.

Then he heard what sounded like a conversation. The voices were muffled and Ichimatsu couldn't make out any words, but they sounded close, which was weird considering he and Osomatsu were supposed to be the only ones home. They hadn't had any visitors in ages, not that they ever had many to begin with. As much as he despised social interaction, Ichimatsu almost wished more people would stop by, if only so it wasn't so painfully quiet. He had had gotten so used to dealing with constant loudness of the house, he never realised how much he'd come to miss it once it was gone.

He tracked the sound to the bathroom. The door was shut closed. Ichimatsu delivered a hard knock to the wood and the speaking stopped immediately. He wouldn't wait for an answer. As soon as he turned the knob the silence broke into a string of protests, all of which Ichimatsu ignored. The moment he opened the door his eyes widened.

Yellow hoodie, sticky up hair, long sleeves. All that was missing was the smile but Ichimatsu had long since gotten used to not seeing that. He blinked once. Twice, but the figure didn't disappear like he expected it too.

But it wasn't Jyushimatsu. That much was obvious. He knew the differences between his brothers well enough to spot a copy-cat when he saw one. The real question was what the hell Osomatsu was doing in his dead brother's hoodie.

Four other hoodies were draped against the towel rack, each a different colour. Pink, green, blue and Osomatsu's own red. More then anything he was disgusted. Ichimatsu didn't need shambled together excuses, he needed answers. Now.

"What are you doing?" His voice was bitter, and above all angry.

"None of your business!" Osomatsu bit back with a scowl, clearly displeased in being caught in the act. Ichimatsu gave a hard glare back, causing his expression to soften.

"I just like pretending to be them sometimes, it helps..." Osomatsu trailed off, looking like he wanted to be anywhere but stuck in dealing with this conversation.

"That's not an excuse, what you're doing... It's sick."

"I don't care if it's sick. It makes me happy, that's all that matters"

Ichimatsu gave a hard glare back. "How long?"

"Does it matter?"

"It does."

"I don't remember." Osomatsu avoided eye contact, and Ichimatsu resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

"Sure you don't" he said dryly.

There was a pause before Ichimatsu spoke again.

"Why?"

"I just... It helps me feel... You know... Closer to them."

"They're dead."

There was no sympathy or resource in Ichimatsu's words, just coldness. Osomatsu visibly flinched.

"Don't just say it like that." he said quietly.

"Like what?"

"Like it means nothing!" Osomatsu looked furious, more so then Ichimatsu had ever seen him before.

"I haven't even seen you cry once! Do you even care?"

"Of course I care!" Ichimatsu spat as if the words were venom.

"Well you sure don't show it!"

Putting effort into not bursting into tears around his brothers is something Ichimatsu had always done. Of course Osomatsu would take notice now.

"Whatever." he said averting his eyes, desperately needing a change of topic. "Change back into your own hoodie already. If I have to see you in Jyushimiatsu's any longer I'll puke."

"Why should I? You brother killer."

Osomatsu wasn't drunk, he had said it completely of his own choice. He meant it, he really did. The second time and it hurt so much more.

"It's your fault! All of them!"

Ichimatsu stared, frozen in shock. Just like that it felt like someone had plunged a knife into his chest and was turning it slowly.

"You couldn't save Todomatsu, or Karamatsu. You never replied to Choromatsu's letters and we all know what you said to Jyushimatsu."

"Shut up!"

Ichimatsu shut his eyes tightly and tried not to listen. The knife was suddenly an axe, hacking without mercy into his heart.

"Don't act like you're any better then me either. You're the one always acting like their there! You seriously thought I wouldn't notice you talking to yourself all the damn time?"

"That's different...I can't help that. You're going out of your way to pretend they're still alive." Ichimatsu said quietly, dangerously close to tears.

"Just... Just leave it already! Leave me alone!" Osomatsu yelled, lacking a better response.

Ichimatsu rubbed at his eyes, wiping away any liquid that may have formed. He gave Osomatsu a dark look.

He gritted his teeth.

"Okay."

Ichimatsu stormed out of the bathroom. They were there again. Of course they were. He grabbed at his hair, he felt like screaming.

"Brother, are you okay?" Fake Karamatsu said with fake concern.

"Osomatsu can be a real jerk sometimes." Putting aside a fake book he'd been reading Fake Choromatsu gave him a fake sympathetic look.

"You shouldn't have to deal with that." Fake Todomatsu scowled. "Leave already."

Fake Jyushimatsu looked upset. "Don't be sad, we're here with you! We'll stay with you wherever you go!"

Fake.

Fake.

Fake.

Was he really prepared to leave the house? Probably not, but he didn't care.

Behind him he could hear Osomatsu, who'd seemingly changed his mind pleading at him to stay. 'Too late for that now,' he thought.

Ichimatsu tore threw cupboards. What was he supposed to take? Was he even sure about doing this? What about the cats? He didn't know where he supposed to go, or anything for that matter. All he knew was that he couldn't stay here any longer.

Ichimatsu just couldn't put up with it any longer. The tension between them, the suffocating silence. It was slowly killing him inside.

He didn't bother taking his pills, or anything at all. It was all just a spur of the moment, he could barely think. In the background his hallucinations spoke amongst themselves in happy voices, sounding so far away. Ichimatsu slammed the door so hard the frame shook and took off running without looking back once.

The house hadn't even disappeared from his view before Ichimatsu started having second thoughts. Osomatsu was unstable enough already, and he didn't have fond memories of the last time a brother left the home. Ichimatsu paused for a moment, giving himself a chance to take it all in. He could barely see, the sky was pitch black at this time of day. On either side of him some shoddily constructed lamp posts radiated a dim, flickering light.

He frowned in realisation that he hadn't even considered his parents and how they'd react, especially with no warning. It was all such a bother, he just wanted to disappear and let it all end. Ichimatsu cursed, hating that he had allowed those damn thoughts to enter his mind again. Beginning to walk again, he slipped into an alleyway where he'd be out of sight from nosey strangers and especially his older brother. Leaning against the dirty, no doubt germ ridden wall he put his hands to his head and tried to stop his body from shaking.

Ichimatsu was a mess, always had been, but at that moment he honestly felt he was barely qualified to even be breathing. Beside him Fake Todomatsu complained about being surrounded by garbage, while the others took a seat next to him on the cold concrete floor. Were they attempting to be some kind of comfort? That's a laugh. They were even further ruining his life, which was frankly shitty enough without them butting in. There he went again, referring to them as actual beings and not just some fragment of his fucked-up beyond comprehension mind. It was easy to forget when they looked and sounded so life like.

Ichimatsu stayed slumped against the alleyway wall for what seemed like forever, but in actuality was only a few hours. He was in need of a decent plan of action, though he needed to give himself time for his worsening headache to settle before he could even begin to consider anything.

Ichimstsu crinkled his nose, was that smoke he smelt?

Bringing himself to his feet he peeked back at the house, now far but still visible in the distance. Against his better judgement he took a few steps closer, the smell of smoke only grew stronger. Suddenly his whole body felt weak and dizzy small footsteps turned into quick strides and then a full on sprint.

He seriously hoped Osomatsu had just accidentally put plastic in the microwave again.

Ichimatsu while reluctant to go back did any way, his older brother's safety mattered more then any stupid argument. Twisting open the knob, he was immediately hit with a wall of smoke. The air was so dry he couldn't help but cough as it entered his lungs. It didn't take long to find Osomatsu. It took even less time to realise what was going on.

The eldest had dropped his cigarette onto a pile of papers which was all too quickly catching on fire, and judging from the way he made no effort to douse the growing flames, it was all of his own will.

"What the hell are you doing?!" Ichimatsu screamed at him, attempting to pull him up from his relaxed sitting position.

"What does it look like?" Osomatsu snarled back, shaking his brother's grasp away.

The flammable cotton and wood around them was catching flame fast, and it this point it was clear that if they didn't move soon, they would be losing more then just the house. Of course Osomatsu would choose the selfish way to go by taking their home and belongings down with him.

"I don't have time to argue with you, in case you haven't noticed we're in a burning building."

"That's the idea." he muttered in response.

"Stop this! please, I'll stay!" Ichimatsu cried, but didn't get a single word in return.

Osomatsu still wasn't budging, so Ichimatsu took to the next best thing he could do and tried to douse the flames. That was quickly proven to be a lost cause, as anything he attempted to do from the movies just seemed to make the fire worse. It was getting more and more difficult to breathe, Ichimatsu pulled his face mask he was grateful to be wearing over his mouth. Choosing the next best option he locating the telephone through the think clouds of grey and dialled in a number. If he could just get a fire truck over in time then Osomatsu stubborn self wouldn't need to move at all. Hopefully.

Ichimatsu hadn't even finished punching in the number, before Osomatsu made a sudden move and attempted to wrestle the phone of him. The device still clutched tightly in his hand Ichimatsu held it out of Osomatsu's reach, or at leas he tried too. The phone was inevitably sent flying and much to the older brothers delight it landed onto an area already ridden with flames making impossible to reclaim.

"Quit trying to stop me!" Osomatsu yelled with a voice that was only growing raspier with the amount of smoke he was inhaling.

Ichimatsu was already getting to the point where it was difficult to speak without feeling as if his lungs were going to explode.

"No!" he croaked back, it all he could really manage to say.

"You need to get out of here! I'm going to burn to death and I don't want you around to see it!"

"Then let me burn with you." Ichimatsu pleaded, pausing as his body was wracked with another round of coughing.

The only reason he was even alive now was because his brothers had been there. With them all gone, the option to continue living was practically non-existent.

Osomatsu looked as if he'd tried to say something but instead clamped his hands around his throats and let out a pained sob. The air was too hot to breathe, the fire had almost completely surrounded them. If either of them had any chance of surviving they would have to act quick.

Should he even bother?

He didn't notice the distinct sound of cracking wood above him until it was too late to do anything.

It was a good thing Osomatsu had.

Ichimatsu screamed in pain once making direct contact with the fire, having being hastily shoved out of the collapsing ceilings path. Coming to a quick realisation, he pulled away from the flames and looked to the spot Osomatsu once stood only to see a single poking out from underneath a mountain of burning rubble.

Jumping to his feet, he didn't waste any time. Ichimatsu attempted to pull his brother out from underneath the debris but immediately recoiled. Osomatsu skin was literally melting, impossible to even touch. The moment he realised his only brother left was beyond help was the moment his world stopped moving.

Even amidst the roaring fire, distant sirens and screams, all Ichimatsu's mind could process was that he had truly failed for the last time.

He would have been perfectly content with letting the flames consume him, but as he had come to realise, fate hated him. That's how instead of being dead and buried next to five other brothers he regained consciousness beside the burning building in his distraught mother's arms.

The only items salvaged from what used to be their home were five hoodies. They were coated in a thin layer of ash and were slightly singed at the edges, but other then that miraculously untouched.

Hugging them to his chest, Ichimatsu felt his eyes sting and his chest hurt. Pink, yellow, green, blue, and red all swirled together until finally the dam broke. Tears flowed like twin waterfalls down his cheeks as he sobbed relentlessly. The weight of everything came crashing down from the start of it all when he held Todomatsu's hand until it turned cold, to the sight of Osomatsu horrifically burned and mangled after being pulled from underneath the collapsed ceiling.

They were all gone.

Even his make-believe brothers that seemed to always be by his side were no where to be found, and at that moment, Ichimatsu had never felt more alone.


	6. Joyous Purple Heights

**A/N: This is the last chapter, thanks to everyone who favourited, followed and reviewed!**

* * *

Looking at the blade clenched in his hand and then to his bare wrists, Ichimatsu told himself he was ready.

Jyushimatsu was at the field playing baseball as he did most weekday afternoons, Karamatsu was doing his stupid drama thing, Todomatsu was out with friends, Osomatsu had detention and Choromatsu was helping his parents do grocery shopping.

It was one of the very rare occasions he was alone in the house. Ichimatsu had been waiting for a moment like this for so long, but even with all that preparation time, he still felt queasy. He was still terrified.

He had decided on this outcome too many times to count, yet found himself just the slightest bit unsure. He was young. Young enough that people would tell him it was just a phase, that he wasn't really depressed. As if he was acting miserable just to gain attention. Idiots. They didn't know anything. They didn't realise what it felt like. About how utterly hellish it was.

His brothers were oblivious, for that Ichimatsu was thankful for. Except, in a way, it only made him feel worse. Just thinking of their horrified and shocked reactions had been enough to keep him from actually doing it, but now it just wasn't enough. This would likely be the only chance he'd get for a long time, he couldn't waste it.

With trembling hands he held the knife against his skin, and pressed down. Ichimatsu continued to apply pressure until the first drops of blood leaked out. Crap, it already hurt like hell. He breathed heavily, holding his wrist, and the now open wound. It was only a small cut, but it still hurt so much.

"Toughen up," Ichimatsu wanted to yell. If he couldn't handle this, there was no way he'd be able to endure the rest of the pain long enough for him to bleed out. Maybe he should have gone with nooses after all.

Ichimatsu almost dropped the blade several times, his hand were shaking too much. Taking a deep breath, he prepared to make the next incision. He pressed harder this time, the pain was unbearable, yet also so satisfying. This was the what he'd been waiting for, how could he be anything but happy?

He dug it in, harder, harder. He wouldn't stop, not until he reached the bone. Gritting his teeth, Ichimatsu bit back a scream. The knife reached deep into the skin, Ichimatsu curved it upwards so that it scooped out a large chunk of flesh. He couldn't hold it in any longer, he screamed and sobbed until his throat hurt, salty tears mixing with the bloody drops of red. Falling to his knees, he curled up, waiting and begging for the pain to subside. It didn't.

He wanted it to stop, stop, stop, stop, why wouldn't it stop? It was clear by this point that if he wanted to do some real damage, he'd have to dig the blade into where the vital organs were, just his wrists wasn't enough. It hurt so much, he wanted to die, he wanted it to stop. Ichimatsu bit the cloth of his school uniform t-shirt and pulled it up so that it exposed his stomach, more specifically, his target. He wouldn't give himself time to react, the knife clenched in his two hands, he brought it down with as much force as he could muster.

Warm blood splattered across the room, Ichimatsu screamed loud enough for the whole world to hear. It was as if the wind had been taken out of him, his vision was not only fuzzy, but completely black and white, almost like they were the only colours his mind was able to process. The blade fell to the ground with a loud clatter, Ichimatsu held his arms over the new open wound but it did nothing but cause it to hurt even more. He still wasn't dead, and was in more pain then ever before.

He couldn't turn back now, that was obvious. It was either die a slow painful death, bleeding out on the tiled floor, or end it now. The choice was easy, Ichimatsu without hesitation retrieved the knife and dove it into his stomach once more. Again, and again, and again. The pain only increased with every stab. He wanted it to stop. Why wouldn't it stop? Why couldn't he just die already?!

Ichimatsu couldn't even process each new thrust. He cried relentlessly, the pain was just too much. Everything sounded partially muted, his vision filled with the gory sight of his own blood now plastered over the once white walls.

Then finally it happened. The dark edges over his sight closed in until his vision was flooded with nothing but the colour black. 'This is it' he told himself. He was ready, always had been. Ichimatsu closed his eyelids, he wanted his last thoughts to be happy. The pain finally beginning to fade, he imagined his five brothers, together and smiling as his breathing slowed down to an inevitable stop.

If only.

"Okay, but what are we supposed to say when he wakes up?"

"I honestly have no idea..."

"We need to let our dear brother realise he has us to depend on in these dark times."

"Ugh."

"I wish you'd stop talking like that."

"What? Why?"

"Never mind..."

"Everybody shut up, I think he's waking up!"

"NIISAN?"

Ichimatsu blinked his eyes, immediately greeted with the overwhelming scent of disinfectant and the colour white. Looking up only to see five identical faces peering back, he realised how wrong things already were. He was supposed to be dead. Why wasn't he dead? Attempting to sit up Ichimatsu immediately let out a cry of pain, his stomach felt like it was on fire.

Choromatsu winced, "Try not to move around too much..."

He felt dumb for so easily forgetting the horrific experience. Looking down he saw the mutilated bloody mess of chopped up skin and flesh had been replaced with clean white bandages and light blue hospital gown. Suddenly the brother closest to his bedside practically leapt into his grasp, wrapping his arms around him in a tight bear hug.

"I'm so glad you're okay!" he cried, quite oblivious to the fact Ichimatsu was being very much crushed by his weight.

"Jyushimatsu, be careful! Remember what the doctor said?"

Realising his mistake, Jyushimatsu quickly, though reluctantly pulled away.

"So... Uh, how are you feeling Ichimatsu?" Osomatsu said unsurely.

How he felt? Mentally or physically? Because right now both were shit.

"Fine."

There was a short, tense silence before Choromatsu spoke up.

"Are you really?"

Shifting his gaze, Ichimatsu tried not to make contact with any of his brothers, who all looked at him expectantly.

"Whatever. I don't feel like talking about it."

Another silence.

Karamatsu cleared him throat nervously. "Ahem, with all due respect I believe this... is something we all need to discuss." Simply more silence followed.

"Now." he added.

Ichimatsu looked sullenly downwards, clenching the crisp bed sheets in his hands.

"Who...?"

Osomatsu bit his lip.

"Todomatsu came home early."

Ichimatsu directed his attention his youngest brother who had remained silent the entire time. His face was red and his eyes were puffy, as if he had been crying recently and had done a pretty crap job of hiding it.

"...Todomatsu?"

The brother in question stared at the ground, looking dangerously close to tears again.

"I... I came back... There was so much blood. I thought for sure you were dead." Todomatsu's voice trembled, finally looking Ichimatsu in the eyes.

This was exactly what he'd been worried about, he had just hoped to never have to actually see it. His brother's reactions, here they were, right in front of him. It was just as god awful as he'd expected.

"Uh yeah... Sorry you had to see that."

"You're just lucky the ambulance got there on time, like geez... You really did a number on yourself." Osomatsu looked tired. Like, really tired.

Lucky? Ichimatsu didn't feel lucky. He was more unlucky if anything else. After getting his best and possibly only opportunity, he had still somehow managed to survive. He probably hadn't stabbed himself enough times. Maybe he needed a sharper knife? Enough courage to do some real damage?

"...Why did you do it?" Choromatsu looked afraid to learn the answer. They all did.

Ichimatsu shifted his gaze to the bed sheets once again, and simply shrugged.

"Come on... We need a better reason then that."

"Is it school? I can help you with Math." The third oldest proposed.

"Are people picking on you? I'll beat them up!" Osomatsu pounded his fists together.

"You don't have to spend every lunch time alone, come join us." Todomatsu wiped away the few tears that had managed to slip out.

"Is it us? Me?" Karamatsu said nervously.

"Tell us." Jyushimatsu said looking surprisingly serious.

"I... It's difficult to explain..." he mumbled.

Depression was not something that be conveyed to others that easily, especially to this bunch of idiots. It was nothing alarming at first, a subtle change. He had began to find less enjoyment in life, until eventually nothing could make him feel happy anymore. It was then that his surroundings began to take on a different tone, and Ichimatsu found himself crying regularly for seemingly no reason. Just getting up in the morning was difficult, and making decisions was harder then ever before. It was an awful feeling, like suffocating in an endless sea of hopelessness. Smiling was something he had to remind himself to do, it felt stiff and awkward. He hated it.

"It's like... An empty feeling... I guess."

"And when did it start?"

"I dunno... Start of this year... I think. Longer probably."

"But what's wrong? Why are you feeling like this?"

"I... don't know."

Osomatsu didn't look convinced, but Ichimatsu tried to pretend he didn't notice. He hadn't lied, but he had definitely been more vague then he should have. The more his brothers changed as they got older, the more useless he felt. Ichimatsu began self loathing, he couldn't help it.

"Oh well, what matters is getting you happy." Osomatsu grinned, while the others gave small smiles of their own.

Ichimatsu couldn't bring himself to smile with them. Nothing had changed. He was as miserable as ever. How was them being aware supposed to help?

"You shouldn't have called an ambulance."

Everybody in the room collectively widened their eyes, a distraught expression working it's way to each of their faces. Before anyone had a chance to counter him Ichimatsu spoke again.

"I'm trash, a burden on you all. Just let me die already."

"Shut up."

Everyone's gaze shifted to Osomatsu, who looked angry more then anything.

"Ichimatsu, don't ever, ever talk yourself down like that again." his voice was low and had a hardened edge. Speechless, Ichimatsu could only give a slow nod. Dammit, he'd just agreed to something he very obviously couldn't stay true to.

"We're all here for you, and we're going to help you out, no doubt about it." he paused, and rubbed the underside of his nose. "Right guys?"

"Yeah!" The remaining brothers shouted in chorus.

"You have so much to live for, don't ever forget that." Karamatsu said smiling.

"We'll always be there for you." Choromatsu added with a smile of his own.

"I know! You can come play baseball with me!" Jyushimatsu had regained his energetic demeanour and seemed to be putting in an effort not to bounce off the walls.

"Uh... Sure, I guess." Ichimatsu blinked his eyes, and it was almost like waking up for the first time. How he hadn't seen it before alluded him, but all that mattered was that he now realised it. His brothers were there, right in front of him, and they were all willing to offer their support.

"Oh! The cards!"

Seemingly having just remembered something, Todomatsu reached out of his school backpack that had been slumped against the wall, and pulled out two cards.

"Oh yeah! Forgot about them for a second there."

"Huh? What is it?" Ichimatsu almost leaned up to catch a glimpse of what his youngest brother was holding before remembering he wasn't supposed to move.

"We made you some get well cards." Choromatsu said happily as Todomatsu handed them both to Ichimatsu.

"The big one is from the school!" Jyushimatsu cheered.

"We got everyone from our grade to sign it." Declared Todomatsu proudly.

Ichimatsu gave a worried look. "Everyone at school knows?"

"Yeah... Sorry, we knew you probably wouldn't like all the attention but we couldn't really do anything about it." Osomatsu said frowning.

Karamatsu nodded in agreement. "It made headlines."

"Seriously? Must have been a slow news day." Ichimatsu grumbled.

"I don't really think you understand how serious this was, everybody was really worried..." Choromatsu spoke quietly.

"If you say so."

"Open it! Open it!" Jyushimatsu prodded, bringing Ichimatsu attention back to the card in front on him.

Fumbling with the cardboard, he gently opened it and looked inside. Not that it was anything unexpected or surprising, but looking at all the names inside made Ichimatsu feel a little warm inside. He recognised some of the signatures, such as Todomatsu's friend Atsushi and the girl Reika that Choromatsu had a hopeless crush on. Obvious others such as Totoko and Chibita had also contributed as well his brothers. Jyushimatsu's signature stuck out like a sore thumb, covering a good half of the page in huge bold text.

"The other one is from just us." Karamatsu explained, gesturing to the smaller card.

Picking the second card up, Ichimatsu was almost hesitant in opening it. When he did, he had to stop himself from crying in front of his brothers. It was clear every one had taken part in writing the message inside, not only in their words but evident in their different styles of handwriting. Osomatsu's was complete chicken scratch for lack of better words, while Karamatsu cursive, swirly writing tried way to hard to look elegant and cool. Choromatsu's was simple, straight and sensible, whereas Jyushimatsu had a strong tendency to write in all capitals. Todomatsu's was probably the most normal, at least if he had been a girl. His letters were round, cute and he always felt the need to replace the dots with little hearts.

Finishing the last of the letter, Ichimatsu tried not let how emotional he was getting show. His brothers all looked at him expectantly, varying in states of anticipation.

"Thanks."

And for once he'd really meant it.

They all looked so happy, and Ichimatsu didn't even realise he was smiling until Jyushimatsu pointed it out, ecstatic.

"He's smiling!"

"Sucess!" Karamatsu cheered and they all light heartedly groaned in response at the half baked english. Looking around him, Ichimatsu felt his heart swell. Things were finally going back to how they used to be.

"When can I get out?" He questioned, suddenly antsy to to return home.

"It depends on how well your injuries heal I guess. The doctor said it could take a couple months."

Ichimatsu sighed, of course it couldn't be that easy.

"We'll keep you company! We'll come every day after school!"

Looking happy for what seemed like the first time in forever Ichimatsu felt the smile creep back once more.

"...Thanks, really."

"No need dear brother, your happiness is thanks enough."

There was a collective agreement, despite how unbelievably cheesy Karamatsu's words were.

From that point forward the atmosphere was a light one. Everyone felt comfortable enough to joke and laugh like they normally did. Just seeing his brothers there, smiling and happy and safe.

He felt like the luckiest person alive.

Eventually, as it began to get late a nurse peeked in to inform them all that visiting hours were over. Exchanging goodbyes with promises to return the next day, they left his side one by one. However Jyushimatsu hung back for a moment, and locked eyes with Ichimatsu, concerned.

"Ichimatsu-niisan..."

"Yeah?"

"Promise me you'll never do anything like that again."

The was a chilling pause, before he responded.

"I promise."

* * *

Standing on a structure built high into the air, Ichimatsu stared longingly at the hard cement lying storeys below that just looked so inviting. He wanted to jump. He wanted to jump so badly, and today was the day he was finally going to do it.

He had a wonderful dream last night, and the night before. One where his brothers were all still there. Still alive. He was tired of waking up to realise that's all it was. A dream. He was going to make it a reality. In all honesty this was way overdue, Ichimatsu was aware he'd put this off for too long but that didn't matter, because he wasn't scared anymore.

He dangled his feet over the edge, purposefully making it so he was only just hanging on. Delirious, he giggled at how easy it would be to just take a single step and have everything come to an end. A whole life, relationships, emotions and experiences gone so suddenly. It was so simple it hurt.

Watching the bleeding red sunset, Ichimatsu took a moment to think over things. As soon as Osomatsu's funeral had ended he burned that fucking black suit. He had a major breakdown in front of everybody, a mess of drunken tears and screams. Did he humiliate himself? Most defiantly. Did he care? Not in the slightest.

He at long last given up trying to ignore his hallucinations, they were his sole source of comfort now. Ichimatsu refused to take his medication, and after not even interacting with anybody since the meltdown it was clear everyone had simply given up on him. He had quit cutting, only because he'd run out of room.

That morning he had decided to finally do it. He didn't leave a note, not even saying goodbye to his parents, just leaving without a word. Visiting his brothers graves he marvelled at the perfect empty spot beside them practically begging to have another buried there.

He talked openly to the headstones, despite the passerby's giving him funny looks.

"Just wait. I'll be joining you all soon."

Thinking further back, Ichimatsu remembered the first time he'd come up here. If his memory served correctly it was after a heated dispute among the family. He laughed at it now. What a tame reason.

Ichimatsu stood up, done reflecting. He was ready.

Looking down he saw vibrant colours, coaxing him. Or was it taunting? Either way it didn't matter.

"It's about time!" Fake Todomatsu yelled with a voice that sounded irritated, though with an joking expression that said otherwise. It was notable that the phone he had always carried with him up until that point was missing.

Even though he was standing all the way down there, Ichimatsu could hear his voice clearly and perfectly, ringing in his ears.

"It's okay! We'll catch you!" Fake Jyushimatsu looked happier then ever, a huge smile spread across his face. It was disgustingly contagious as Ichimatsu soon learned.

"Just jump, you can trust us!" Gone was the anxiety from Fake Choromatsu's voice, he cheered at him to do it like the others. It was undeniably tempting.

"Don't worry, it only hurts for a second!" The sunglasses Fake Karamatsu had always hid behind were gone. Shattered, to be more precise.

"What are you waiting for?" Fake Osomatsu's voice was the loudest, despite him not calling out like the others had. It drilled into Ichimatsu's mind, echoing over and over.

There was no invisible force keeping him from jumping this time. They were gone after all. Gone. Dead. Forever. Never coming back. Nobody would try to stop him, nobody would care. His breath hitched in his throat, and Ichimatsu felt his eyes sting.

No, don't do this, don't cry. You're happy. You're happy. You're going to see them again. You're happy.

Warm salty tears escaped him despite his internal protests. Having given up so long ago, he simply let them fall. Everything suddenly felt so real. He was going to actually do it. After so many attempts, he was actually going to die. A strong gust of wind blew past him and Ichimatsu almost lost his balance for a moment. He was so close to the edge, heart hammering he observed the sight he'd seen so many other times for the very last time.

Looking down, Ichimatsu saw five identical faces look back. They were waiting for him. He was ready at last to join them.

A frivolous laugh escaped his throat as he waved goodbye to the shitty world he'd been born into. Without the slightest hint of hesitation Ichimatsu took the final small step,

And fell into their grasp.

* * *

 _To Ichimatsu,_

 _We all miss you heaps, nothing's been the same without you._

 _We're all deeply apologetic to have not noticed your suffering until this point, please forgive us._

 _We're all wishing you the best with your recovery, our hearts go out to you._

 _HOPE YOU FEEL BETTER SOON!_

 _I think it's pretty clear none of us know how to write a card message, none the less,_

 _Get well soon!_

 _From your brothers (duh)_


End file.
